I’m a full psycher, you know you can’t wife her
These days a fuckboy is hard to decipher
Oh, self love is all I need
I found my inner peace
I see the fame decrease
When I focus on me, me
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Obviously, I’m not talking about Christmas. I’m talking about SCORPIO SEASON! Owww! Shout out to all the Scorpios! In the great words of DJ Khaled, “We the best!”
I want y’all to just get into the dopeness of this episode/post. Please leave comments using the prompt provided at the end (you’ll also hear the prompt in the podcast) and share anything else on your mind if the spirit moves you.
This interview has been edited for clarity and brevity. Listen to the entire interview by clicking on the link above. Enjoy.
BWBK: Black Women Be Knowing, Episode 6. This is a very special episode because not only is today October 23rd, the first official day of Scorpio season, it’s also cuffing season. This means it’s getting cold and all the people who were being fuckboys during the summer are gonna pretend to be somebody’s husband for a little while.
This is also a special episode because I am interviewing my baby sister [who] is also a Scorpio; who I also share a birthday with. Shout out to Niquae from last episode who also shares our birthday!
Kajy, say hi to everyone.
Kajy: Hey, hey! What’s going on?
BWBK: As an older sister, I have dated some fuckboys and exposed them to my siblings but I have also coached them through dating some fuckboys so now I’m gonna be sharing that experience with you [along] with my baby sister.
So as we always do, you’re gonna describe yourself in five words and Go!
Kajy: I listen to all of your podcasts and every time you ask this question, I think “Shit, I don’t know.” I was like let me really think about this.
So I thought of intelligent, independent, loyal, giving/supportive and nonchalant.
BWBK: So we grew up in the same household but that doesn’t mean we had the same experiences growing up, so I would like to know what you were told about boys growing up: What do they want? How are you to behave with them? What you should expect from them? How did that conversation go and who gave you that talk?
Kajy: Yeah, so I don’t remember this pivotal moment in my life where Mom and Dad sat down with me and gave me the do’s and don’ts about being with a boy or man. But I remember just being with my friends and their parents saying things like, “Don’t talk to boys” “If you give it up, they not gonna talk to you anymore,” or “Don’t make yourself too available.” Obviously, I didn’t listen.
But, one of the gems that Dad dropped [because we talked to Dad about these things] was always have your own money. [He would say] stick $40 or $60 in your draws. Just in case [the dude] act stupid, you can always get out of there; dip out and get into a cab. If he gets crazy and don’t wanna pay the bill, you can pay for your shit and get the fuck out of there.
BWBK: Yeah, it’s funny that you mentioned that. I actually blogged about Dad for Father’s Day and that’s one of the gems that he dropped that I made sure to acknowledge. I do not recall us having that conversation about boys explicitly. I felt, especially being the oldest girl, that he spent a lot of time trying to get me solid on who I was. He would always say, “You gotta have your own law that you live by.”
And that trickled down to my relationships as well. What am I willing to do or not do in any given situation? That obviously didn’t stop me from fucking with no fuck niggas but it definitely provided some parameters around what a fuckboy could get away with.
Now we gotta get into some of the nitty gritty. So, please define fuckboy.
Kajy: What isn’t a fuckboy? I would say it’s someone who makes it seem like they want something more when really their main objective is sex. The minute you start to catch feelings and you start to ask questions like, “What are we doing? What is this?” they try to make it seem like you the crazy one. Like “Oh well, chill. We’re just friends. We’re just hanging out.” And when you try to call them out on their bullshit, they kind of try to reverse it on you.
They’re very selfish; they’re manipulative. They’re bad at communicating and then that one moment that you’re like, I’m gonna leave this nigga alone, they do or say something to reel you back in and it just becomes this vicious cycle.
BWBK: The dictionary defines it as such as well. In its Oxford way, it states, “a weak or contemptible man” and “a man that wants multiple sexual partners.” But [we have to] get into those nitty gritty pieces of being manipulative or [being] detached. [They’re detached] unless you get detached then all of a sudden they want to be all up in your fucking face wanting to know about your grandmother.
The biggest problem is the back and forth and the game playing. The main issues [are] dishonesty; the selfishness that you spoke about and the fact that these niggas think that the sun rises and sets on their raggedy asses.
Let’s be clear, a fuckboy don’t have no skin color and no age range. You can be a 16 year old fuckboy or a 60 year old fuckboy.
So we don’t just say dudes are the problem. Out of the words that you used to describe yourself, what was missing when you were fucking with these fuckboys. As women, [publicly] we’ll say, “I’m intelligent. I’m independent…” but somehow, some way we still get snagged. So what do you think was missing in yourself that allowed you to get involved with a fuckboy?
Kajy: I want to kind of point out the word independent because I don’t think I knew how independent I was 4 or 5 years ago. I felt like I should try to want to be with this person and then I thought…
1.Why am I setting my standards so low?
2. Why do I feel like I need to have someone?
I almost felt like I needed to be with someone. I was thinking, “Oh, I am getting older” -mind you I wasn’t even that old and I’m still not with anyone now…
You see some of your friends who are in relationships and you begin to think, Damn, I’m the only one who ain’t got nobody. Then I started thinking, I am independent. I have family and friends who are supportive. I shouldn’t need a man to validate that. After doing some reflecting, I realized I wasted a lot of years trying to be somebody’s girlfriend.
BWBK: One of the words I would use to describe myself now is confident. But I do think that because people see Black women as strong, people assume that you have this superhuman ability. When I was fucking with some fuckboys, I was looking for validation, whether I chose to admit it at the time or not. As much as I would walk around like, you know you wanna fuck with me, part of it was me being egotistical, like most women who think, “I’m gonna be the bitch who’s gonna make him not be like that.”
That confidence was based on a nigga telling me that I’m so much the shit that he gonna stop being an asshole. [My confidence] had to be measured against how much I could change another person. How much I could get this nigga to act right will be a testament to how dope I am…
We gotta dig deep and examine these fucknigga qualities or fucknigga behaviors. So what’s the most fuckboy thing you’ve experienced? Also, think about a guy you’ve given a lot of chances to who maybe you shouldn’t have.
Kajy: [Both answers apply to the same person.] The craziest thing was dealing with a dude on and off for 2-3 years. When we finally decided that we were gonna do this and be official, he gets another girl pregnant. And what’s worse, I don’t even find out from him. I find out from my older brother who slips and tells me when he’s drunk. I didn’t believe it at first.
Two weeks later, his grandmother tells me [he’s having a baby.] When I tell you, the heart went down to the feet…I started sweating, mouth got dry. I wasn’t sure if I was heartbroken or nauseous. The crazy thing is he’s still talking to me like nothing, still having sex with me and you have a whole baby coming.
Then you got his friends talking about he didn’t want to tell you cause he cares about you…That was probably one of the most… yeah it was a lot..I didn’t even know she existed and next thing I know, she started coming around on Thanksgiving and the worst part is people actually thought she was me [because we looked alike.]
BWBK: What do you think made this person so special to you? There was something holding you. What was the golden ticket with this nigga?
Kajy: To be honest, I don’t know. I was thinking, he lives right down the hall. His family knows my family. And [I’m thinking] he’s not gonna do me wrong cause he knows my whole family… My biggest mistake was putting things past him like he wouldn’t do that to me just because he knew me so well and we grew up together. I was just being naive and I was limiting myself in a lot of ways cause there’s so much more than Webster Ave. We (the sisters) all dated someone from the block and it didn’t work out.
BWBK: What’s the most wife-like thing you’ve done for a fuckboy?
Kajy: In general, I’ve given them money. I think a lot of the time I was thinking, he doesn’t have anyone else. He came to me because he trusted me and he knows I’m a good person and he’ll return the favor. And when it came time to returning the favor, phone numbers were disconnected and shit.
When people need money, they will swim, take a boat, take a cab but when it’s time for them to return it they act like you bothering the fuck out of them.
BWBK: I want to hone in on the fact that you said, “I’m a good person.” You gave him this money because you wanted him to trust you and it came across as very sympathetic and the last thing I want is to be with a nigga that I feel sorry for.
When you said that, it brought it back to wanting to feel needed. It goes back to that egocentric thinking. You think, “I’m making you better” but for a fuckboy he ain’t trying to get better no way…
I’m all about vicarious learning. Even though we’ve all had experiences with dudes that were less than ideal, sometimes you’ll look at someone else’s situation and it’ll shine light on your situation or it can serve as a cautionary tale. Tell me a little about an experience like that.
Kajy: One in particular is my best friend and her son’s father. Right out the gate, I didn’t like him. I was kind of upset with myself for not being honest and letting her know from the beginning but I didn’t want to come across as someone who wasn’t supportive or someone who’s a hater.
Her dude was rude but more than that he ended up being abusive. She had to get a restraining order but they started speaking again recently because they have a son who is going to be five years old and he wants to know about his dad.
When they reconnected, one of the first things he said was, “I want him to know I’m not no deadbeat but I guess the first thing I wanna know is when is his birthday?”
And this is why I don’t have children cause I don’t want to be bound to a fucking idiot. So I learned that from her situation.
BWBK: I have a lot of male friends. You also have a lot of male friends. We also have brothers. We talk about not wanting men in our lives who are trash but sometimes we excuse the men who are closest to us in our lives. So what do you do/say when a friend or family member displays fuckboy tendencies?
Kajy: My friends are pretty decent dudes. That’s not to say that they don’t have fuckboy tendencies but I wouldn’t consider them fuckboys. So when they do something that’s wrong [to a woman], I tell them cause they tell me when I’m not being dope.
I’ll just be like, “Wait, so you never called her again?” And that’s fine if you’re not feeling her but if she thought things were going well and you just don’t call her again,[that’s not cool]. The least you can do is give her a courtesy call and just say, “I think you’re cool but I’m not trying to go that extra mile with you.” A bitch might not like it but she can respect it.
I know if I like a dude and things are going well and then he just falls off the face of the earth, which has happened, my mind will drive me off a cliff. It’s the uncertainty that I hate.
BWBK: What are we doing for the next generation? What’s some advice you would give to your godson and nieces and nephews?
Kajy: To my godson or nephews, I would say in any kind of relationship, whether it’s a friendship or romantic one, treat that woman like you would want someone to treat your mother or sister or any other woman you hold in high regard. If I was talking to my future daughter or niece, I would say follow your intuition. If you have to question if a dude is interested in you, he probably isn’t.
You know if a dude is interested because he takes the time to get to know you; he’s calling; he’s consistent. I think women’s intuition is usually spot on and we need to follow it more. I’m still working on that.
BWBK: We spent a lot of time talking about fuckboys. How do you define a man?
Kajy: I immediately thought of Daddy. One of the things we knew for sure is that he was coming home. He was gonna be working all day and then he was coming home to take care of his family. A man knows how to take control of a situation without being controlling. When there’s a problem, they’re looking for solutions. They just know who they are. They’re confident; they know what they bring to the table.
BWBK: Immediately, I thought of Dad. One of the things that I appreciate about my fiance is there’s accountability. Can you own up to the shit you’ve done and change [your] behavior? It’s not just about admitting but righting the wrong. I don’t want a person to betray themselves to be with me and just do what I want them to do but I want someone who won’t put our relationship at risk. So those are good qualities.
We always gotta go back to ourselves so I want to figure out to what extent you’ve had fuckgirl tendencies. Cause fuckism goes both ways.
Kajy: I keep thinking about [how] I describe myself as nonchalant and when I tell you about guys, I don’t think you think I really like them.
BWBK: I don’t.
Kajy: Every time I tell you and Kai (our sister) about a dude, y’all are like, “You don’t really like him.” And I’ll say, “but he’s nice.” And y’all are like, “that’s exactly why you don’t like him.” I know what I do like, but that hasn’t been working for me. Then I realize, I’ve been talking to a dude for like two months and I don’t really like him. Now I’m starting to become like the niggas I don’t like. I’m kind of playing games with them. I definitely have had some fuckgirl tendencies.
BWBK: Any advice you would give a fuckboy who is trying to reform?
Kajy: People are working on themselves daily but just because you are ready to make these changes, doesn’t mean everyone believes you. Understand that you may want to rekindle a flame [now that you’ve changed]; that doesn’t mean she wants to do that with you. Understand that you are going to be a villain in someone’s story.
If you are used to being a certain way, you’re not gonna change overnight. If you really like someone but you’re not used to texting people back, you have to tell yourself to call this woman or text her back.
BWBK: So last question, what have you learned about yourself after all these wack ass dudes who have crossed your path? I am a person who believes in the Universe and I believe that everyone, no matter how trash they are, come into your life for a reason. Even if nothing good comes out of the relationship, some revelation comes out.
Kajy: Thinking about insanity- doing the same thing and expecting a different result… I don’t need to respond to every dude who is trying to talk to me. You cute and all but that’s not gonna be enough. Looking back, I don’t think I was as hurt as I thought I was. It was more that my ego was hurt. I gave these dudes so much power but they wasn’t shit. So yeah, I wasn’t as hurt as I thought I was.
BWBK: I want to end by thanking my sister for being here with me. Also, when people comment, I want people to finish the prompt,
Say No to fuckboys, Say Yes to______________.
And I want the blank to be filled with something about themselves.
Something like, Say No to fuckboys; Say Yes to self-love.
Kajy: Oh you took mine, so I’ll say, Say No to fuckboys, Say Yes to peace of mind.
BWBK: Thank you. Remember to follow on IG: Black Women Be Knowing and and if you’re on Twitter: BWBK_
Remember, Say No to fuckboys.
Black Women Be Acknowledging their Fuckboy past.
Black Women Be Sharing Stories about their Fuckboy past.
Black Women Be Doing Better so they don’t repeat the past.
And if you don’t know, now you be knowing.